Sometimes things happen in life where you wish you had a do over button. Well this was one of those moments. As I sat there trying to understand why me? What did I do wrong? May 23, 2007 I was so excited about finding out the sex of my first child! I had that pregnacny glow. As I layed on the table feeling my baby kick, I was excitedly waiting to hear "Its A..." But the look on the ultrasound techs face said something completely different. I asked was something wrong and she couldnt look me directly in the face as she gave me a vague answer. My heart started racing and a lump grew in my throat, the tears began to flow as I realized there was something wrong with my unborn child. She left the room laying on the bed scared with so many uneasy thoughts running threw my head I didnt know what to think or do. Then two doctors that werent my doctors entered the room and that was when I was told what I thought at the time was news that would shatter my life. "Your unborn child has two holes in his heart and certain features of the child had not developed and at the late in the pregnacny if they havent developed they wont, we suggest you abort the fetus." How? Why? This cant possible be happening, What do I do. Listen to the doctors and abort my unborn chid or do I hold on to the little bit of faith and bring the child in to the world. I stepped out on faith and four months later I gave birth to my baby boy. He had so much medically wrong going on that the doctors suggested that I let nature take its course. At that moment while watching my baby fight for his life I new my world had shattered.

   Within four months my life went from the happiest time in my life to what had to be the darkest time of my life. I was numb to be walking around with a big belly not knowing whethter or not I was able to bring this life I carried into the world. I was angry that it was happening to me when I did everything that I was told to do. The feeling of defeat often took over when I didnt want to go to so many appointments and questioning whether or not I made the right decision. Often feeling scared and lonely. I felt like there was something wrong with me. Feelings of lost and confusion is how I lived my life day to day during such a trying time. I felt like my world was falling apart and I didnt know where to begin to put it back together, Feeling overwhelmed like it was just too much at times. I always had  a feeling of uncertainty, did I make the right choice.

   When I first had my son, I just knew life would be hard and it would be a struggle. At times feeling like it was all too much. Questioning if  I made the right decision. But I have to say making the decision to keep my son despite the odds being stacked against him was the best decision  I have ever met. I dont regret my decision at all. The choice to have a child is a blessing but to have a child you know will have a medical comdition is a blessing in disguise. My child has taught me so much. He has taught me how to love and what love is. More importantly having a child with a medical condition has challenged me in so many ways. When I feel like life is too much I like at the little fighter that I have and how he has overcome so much. Ive grown by learning more about myself as I learned about caring for a child with special needs. I no longer let little things get the best of me. I dont focus on the negative or the things that I cant change. I have accepted that although my son may not seem "normal" to others but in my eyes my child is perfect. Ive learned to accept people for whpo they are. Having my son has made me stronger mentally and emotionally. I love the person I have become since having my child. 

The world can be a cold dark place,

How can this be when I see such the bright sunshine and birds chripping

But all I see is a dark cold world

Full of busy people who are always in a rush.. 

A world where chivalry has died...well people have killed it

But from the concrete a rose will bloom

Depsite rhe darkness and coldness it will grow

It will grow because there is some goodness

To become fully alive as we make understanding 

Of the everyday chasos in the chaotic world. 

Identifying and transforming our negative moods.

Looking deeper into ourselves of how we can be better 

to one another and to ourselves

What type of mind set do we have??

In what ways can we make our mind more open and accepting...

We must learn to grow and accept growth....

Sometimes we are hestiant on accepting change 

But we do you remember?? That change...yes we may not like it but

Change is good....change is healthy